Perfectionism

October 11, 2024 • 5 min

Perfectionism is a beast! It pops up so often in therapy, and I’ve learnt that you cannot treat most mental health difficulties without treating perfectionism, or reframing it at least. This is because if we’re bringing high standards to our mental health when we’re struggling, small improvements will seem insufficient, and it’s very hard to make change.

First things first: perfectionism is not about being perfect. No one is perfect. What would 100% perfect be? How would a perfect person look and behave? Given how much we vary, who gets to decide? If we have perfectionistic standards, we don’t feel perfect—far from it. Perfectionistic tendencies are known to be a vulnerability factor for depression and anxiety disorders. Very high standards, and then being hard on ourselves when we can’t meet them, is not a happy combination. It also makes it really hard to get help if we feel ashamed of our imperfections.

Perfectionism is defined as relentlessly striving for extremely high standards—for self or others—that are personally demanding in the individual’s context. Self-worth becomes overly reliant on achievement. So that, in spite of negative consequences and costs, we go for these standards anyway.

If you’re comparing what you achieve on a bad day to what you used to be able to do and are hard on yourself about your changed capacity—or priorities—there could be some high standards at play.

It’s a tricky one, as it’s so rewarded by our society, and you tend to get great feedback from others for having high standards, but often it comes at too high a cost. Procrastination is a major symptom of perfectionism. We can find ourselves not starting or committing to things, in case we’re exposed as being imperfect. Imagine! Can we allow ourselves to be a bit vulnerable, to admit to all the not knowing? Knowing that we get stronger at tolerating uncertainty if we practice. What we’re aiming for is flexibility in our standards. You might always want something done a certain way—fine—none of my business—but if it’s upsetting you a lot if that can’t be done that way, could you bring in some flexibility? Us humans have a tendency to turn on ourselves under pressure. If there’s a lot on, I’m feeling anxious, have a new job or baby—I have an urge to bounce off into busyness, wanting to control some aspect of the overwhelm, feeling like I’m achieving something. Cutting ourselves as much slack as we can if things need to be done differently, and valuing and prioritizing rest, will be helpful.

Another perfectionistic trait is to be so hooked on a good outcome that the activity itself becomes strained and tiring. It can feel as though you’re doing everything with a gun against your head. One patient told me once that he was like a tea bag—needed to be in hot water to get started. Unsurprisingly, he found this really stressful. A good tonic for this is mindful attention, back into the present moment. Trying to get lost in the process rather than aiming for any particular outcome. For example, if we’re washing up and running through our to-do list at the same time as cursing ourselves for not being further through it, for not being generally a better person, we will feel tense and tire ourselves out. If we can get lost in the process of washing up for a few minutes, feeling the bubbles, textures, and sounds, that will be soothing for the nervous system. There’s some fascinating research that shows we enjoy the process more and are happier with the outcome if we’re in flow and lost in the process. No matter what we’re doing.

If you’re a parent, a concept to be aware of is "good enough parenting." The healthiest option for you and your family is to aim for good enough. If you should pull off some miracle parenting piece, what would be the cost, and how would your children live up to this? Become independent? Your children will learn more about looking after themselves from watching you than from what you say. If you are struggling with unkind standards for yourself, it would be best to model rest, acceptance, and asking for help. Having a parent that values rest, is able to tolerate and make mistakes, celebrates successes, and is able to be at least a little bit flexible in their standards, will make a big difference to their experience and yours. Although bringing compassion to our experience if this is difficult, you are under quite a bit of pressure, and if you are feeling anxious, it is only because you care.

One of the things that is known about perfectionism—and that I see play out in my patients who are struggling with high standards—is that they have a tendency to discount their successes, moving the goalposts and discrediting their successes. “Oh, I got lucky, I got away with it, it wasn’t that hard this time”—straight on to the next challenge. This is a well-being pothole! Keeping a diary of three things a day that you’ve done well enough, or that you’re even slightly proud of, is a good way to broaden out your attention and boost your mood. Aim small—maybe having the presence of mind to do a three-minute meditation when I was stressed, phoning a friend for a chat, remembering to message my friend on her birthday, or taking some time to rest and sitting on a sunny bench and relaxing. A tender moment, making something nice for someone, or a nice interaction should all be attended to, and not discounted. You can keep a diary of things you’ve done that were good enough, or that you were happy with, each day.

Trying to be perfect is a thankless task that gets in the way of learning, intimacy, and joy. Talking about things, apologizing, being willing to admit to mistakes all promote much healthier bonds and relationships than unrelatable perfectionism. Consider dropping the façade, you might be underestimating your friends, family, or acquaintances. Maybe they would love you just as much without the last 10% of effort.

I hope there’s something in here that’s helpful or thought-provoking for you. You’re perfect just the way you are, and there’s always room for some improvement.